Water temperature outside the window
Two years, daily. He checks it twice a day. Same as his charts.
ENV-01
Source: brass thermometer, first edition. Still reads the right temperature. So does he.
Bureau of Deep Statistics · Sub-level B2 · 4,000 m
Every number down here is four. We charted it anyway.
Twenty-four charts, measured from inside the ocean. Water temperature, squid contact, notes left on the hatch, and whether he’s still down there. Nothing on this page is a price. Most of it is four degrees.
Water temperature
4.000°C
▬ 0.000° · unchanged since records began
Days since phone buzzed
0days
▬ checks it anyway
Squid moments, YTD
0
▲ 1 · we had a moment
Notes on the hatch, Oct
0
▲ 1 · fourth one this month
Suits owned
0
1 slightly off · unknown which
Pressure
0atm
▬ on his chest
“Still here?” checks
0this visit
▬ answer: yes, every time
Surface visits since 2022
0
▼ shallow up there
RANGE
ALL · 24 charts · nothing changed
Department of · ENV
Environmental
Temperature, pressure, and how deep everybody else goes. Readings above 4,000 m are discarded as shallow.
Pressure on his chest
Four hundred atmospheres. Hasn’t fully exhaled since 2019.
ENV-02
Source: antique depth gauge. Skin’s never been better.
How deep things go
Log scale. On a normal scale, everyone else is invisible.
ENV-03
Source: Monty, from inside. Peer review unavailable at this depth.
Taps on the porthole
By hour and weekday. Something taps twice at six. That’s his alarm.
ENV-04
Source: the porthole. Tapper unidentified. Never been late either.
Pressure-aging, 1 : 11
One year down here is eleven up there. Everything he owns is older than it looks.
ENV-05
Source: the sommelier, who cried.
Chart load time
Charts take three minutes to load. We could have preloaded this one. Out of respect, we didn’t.
ENV-06
Source: the Wi-Fi, 0.3 bars. Healthiest he’s ever been.
Department of · INT
Interpersonal
Everyone he has had a moment with. It’s a short department. We padded it with Craig.
Squid Interaction Index
One year of the window. One moment.
INT-01
Source: the window, which has not been cleaned since. Craig doesn’t have a squid.
Who texts him first
A Venn diagram of everyone he knows. It is mostly circle.
INT-02
Source: his phone, checked 3,112 times.
Monty vs. Craig
Six axes. Craig contests all six, in writing, on the hatch.
INT-03
Source: self-reported (Monty); four pages, mostly about plankton (Craig).
The census
Once a year a man rides down in a steel ball to ask one question. This year Monty asked him back.
INT-04
Source: the clipboard. Very honest guy.
Phone activity since 2023
Two small multiples: times it buzzed, times he checked.
INT-05
Source: the phone. No signal since 2023. Checked anyway.
HOA meeting attendance
Meets at a depth nobody’s come back from. He has never missed one.
INT-06
Source: the minutes, delivered by tube. Dues are reasonable.
Department of · COR
Correspondence & Logistics
Everything arrives by tube, three weeks late, bone dry. Nobody knows how.
Notes on the hatch
From Craig, per month, 2026. Mostly about plankton.
COR-01
Source: the hatch. He replies on the good paper.
Tube-mail delivery time
Days in the tube, per delivery. Three weeks, give or take a toaster.
COR-02
Source: airlock log. The customs officer hasn’t aged since 1946. Very professional.
Big Mac ETA
Ordered in March. The app still says two minutes away.
COR-03
Source: the app. Five stars. He’s so close.
The doctor’s Thursday notes
He has never seen Monty. Same note every week. Every one framed.
COR-04
Source: the hallway wall, which is full.
Department of · WAR
Wardrobe & Wellbeing
He found his position. He’s not rebalancing.
Suits by color
Forty-one, identical, ivory. One is slightly off. He doesn’t know which.
WAR-01
Source: the closet. The tailor has been put on notice.
Emotional range
Tight range. Super concentrated. Annoyed: never.
WAR-02
Source: his face, sampled daily.
Wi-Fi vs. wellbeing
Two separate charts, on purpose. We don’t put two scales on one axis down here. That’s a surface habit.
WAR-03
Source: the router; Monty. “Healthiest I’ve ever been, man.”
Department of · ECO
Ecosystem Disturbance & the Building
Craig says he is disturbing the ecosystem. This department exists so we can say: allegedly.
Craig’s mood vs. lamp brightness
Each dot is one note on the hatch. The gold one is the sad lamp.
ECO-01
Source: Craig. Methodology disputed. Craig’s from Ohio.
The porthole across the way
Always lit. Nobody’s ever home. The lamp changes.
ECO-02
Source: observation, nightly, with the lights off.
Floors pressed
Lifetime. The elevator has a floor marked “Lower.”
ECO-03
Source: the elevator. Inspection certificate dated 1946.
Still here, live
Every four seconds the building asks if he’s still at 4,000 m. Same answer since 2022.
LIVE
Source: the building. Census methodology, applied continuously.
Where every story goes
Thirteen episodes, from what he’s up against to how he loses. Every one ends the same way, in the same breath.
ECO-04
Source: the Transmissions archive. Anyway.
Appendix · A
Methodology
How the Bureau measures things, in the order Craig objected to them.
- All readings are taken at 4,000 meters. Anything measured above that is discarded as shallow, then mentioned anyway.
- Data arrives by brass tube. Three weeks late. Bone dry. Nobody knows how, and the Bureau has stopped asking.
- Every chart is single-axis. Two scales on one chart invents a relationship. He has enough of those with the squid.
- Colors are checked for colorblind readers. The squid is magenta. The squid did not ask to be magenta.
- The Council asked us not to chart the lights below the city. We have not. We look at our charts.
- No figure on this page is a price, a return, or a suggestion. They are depths, temperatures and feelings. Mostly four.
Disclaimer
Past temperature is not indicative of future temperature. It is, though.
The Bureau of Deep Statistics is not a financial institution, a weather service, or a marine biologist. Nothing here is advice of any kind. Charts may take three minutes to load. Squids may not touch the window again. The tailor remains on notice. Navy is not available.